Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
