You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
