i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
