She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
