The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
