I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
