remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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