Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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