I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
