Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
