You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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