I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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