How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
