He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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