hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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