I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
