If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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