You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you guys were way drunker than both of me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You were trust falling into bushes
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
