My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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