We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
my poor anus
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
