my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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