I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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