In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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