That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
