my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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