If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
