I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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