Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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