I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
