Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
