tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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