im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
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im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
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We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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