I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
