i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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