His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
