We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
