He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
