my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
