i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
