I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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