she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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