Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
