Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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