your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
