I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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