You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
