I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
