my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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