I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
