I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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