upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So many bounce houses so little time
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
