There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
