If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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