It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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