no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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