Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
