Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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